Lifting the mask
My first Autism blog post. Where to start? So many topics! But for me I think masking has been the thing I have spent the most amount of my time doing and the thing that has had the most negative impact on my life. It dominates my life.
This is such a big topic and one that I am sure I will revisit multiple times, especially as I continue in my journey to unmask. But for now it is something that I wanted to reflect on as I begin the process. It is the scariest topic, fills me with anxiety about how people will react to the unmasked me. But a process that is essential to be happy.
What is masking?
Masking involves changing certain behaviours in order to be seen as neurotypical. These can include:
forcing eye contact and monitoring how much eye contact is being made
suppressing or hiding stimming behaviours (self-stimulating behaviours, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds)
mimicking others’ facial expressions and gestures
having rehearsed scripts to use in conversations
hiding personal interests or minimising them
pushing through intense sensory discomfort (e,g. loud noises)
Autistic people mask in order to cope in social situations and meet social expectations. It can be conscious or unconscious. But the effects of masking can be severe and lead to mental health issues, a loss of self identity as well as mental exhaustion resulting in meltdowns and burnout.
For people diagnosed later in life this can also lead to a loss of identity, with years of hiding their true selves it can be hard to work out who they really are.
How masking has effected me
Ever since I was a small girl I have been aware of having to change my behaviour, appearance, likes and hobbies to “fit in”. Although I wasn’t aware that I was masking until recently it is clear looking back that I learnt to do this at a very young age. I would observe other girls, mimic how they behaved, their interests, how they dressed. I would force eye contact and obsess over it during conversation with someone. Rehearsing any social situation beforehand was the norm and I would play in my mind potential conversation and answers to questions. I was desperate to fit in and be part of other girls’ social circles, but so often I would get it wrong. There were often occasions when I would laugh when I thought it was appropriate to be met by stares.
I continued to mask, hiding my stimming behaviours as much as possible, pushing through my discomfort as much as I can when I have sensory overload such as being in loud environments. Staying in social situations as long as possible even when my whole body just wants to run away. A lot of times I can’t stay in these situations as long as I think and will break down in tears and walk out. This has been a repeated pattern in social situations, often leaving a night out early for example and having to make excuses as to why I need to go and worrying about not being asked out again due to my constant breakdowns and having to leave early. This often happened when I started a new job and I have had struggles holding down jobs because of this.
Being diagnosed so recently I am also on the process of working out who I really am, where the masking starts and ends. It is not easy and I still very quickly go into masking behaviors in most social situation.
I am finding having a diagnosis helpful for me personally because I can explain to others why I struggle in certain situations and therefore why I may need to leave early etc. It also makes me more comfortable relaxing and not hiding stimming or unusual behaviors. But this is only the case with people I am comfortable with at the moment. Hopefully in time I will gain confidence and let others see the real me.
Conclusion
Masking is exhausting. It leads to meltdowns, anxiety and breakdowns and when I was younger led to self-harm and suicide attempts. I am becoming more aware of how my masking has shaped my life but the process of letting the real me being shown and doing what is best for my own wellbeing is a slow one. I am a people pleaser. I don’t like causing a scene or making a fuss. On the bike I am free of these social pressures, any physical exhaustion or discomfort is so much easier to deal with than the mental pain and exhaustion from making myself fit into a world that I feel I don’t belong.