I’m Autistic, everything makes sense now

I always felt different. School was hard, I struggled to make friends, I still do, and at times would be cut out of friendship groups with no idea what I had done, said or not said. I just didn’t get the social cues everyone else seemed to understand naturally. I laughed at the wrong time, was too quiet, and very easily manipulated. I was an easy target for bullies.

I got diagnosed with Depression at 16, put on medication, and a very hard few years followed for me and my family where everything became too much for me and I dropped out of school during my A-Levels. I was tired of masking, even though I didn’t realise this at the time. Unfortunately this is not uncommon for Autistic women and my experiences are not unique.

With help and support I did go to college, university and started my working life. My issues followed me though and I had a breakdown at 26, unable to leave the house with anxiety and off work for 2 years. I felt lost, overwhelmed, constantly worried about how I fitted in and what others thought. A cocktail of even stronger medication followed but I never felt this solved the problems. Again I got back on my feet but only tentatively.

Then at the age of 34 I read an article about an autistic girl. I cried. That was me! That was exactly me! But I’m not autistic?? Everything I knew about autistic people was around the stereotypical autistic guy, I didn’t know that Autism can present very differently in women. I researched and the more I did the more I was convinced that I was text book an autistic woman! I was lucky enough to be able to get a private assessment through my employer at the time, unfortunately the NHS waiting time was very long, and after a long, draining assessment and talking with my parents I was confirmed to be Autistic.

I felt relieved! I felt like I was just able to start being me and that I could stop trying so hard to be someone else. It was ok.

Everything started to fit into place. I started to see how Autism affects my daily life and steps I can take to minimize my anxiety and focus on my strengths. And over the next couple of years I was able to come off all the medication.

It’s not a completely happy ending yet, I am still learning about how Autism affects me, I have bad days and can struggle with meltdowns and overwhelm for example. I am slowly trying to gain the confidence to unmask, to just be me, but after more than 30 years of learning how to hide myself, mimic others and trying to conform I know it won’t happen overnight.

I hope that awareness of Autism in woman is changing. If my Autism had been picked up as a child then maybe things would have been smoother for me. I can’t change that but hopefully I can have a small impact on raising awareness so that Autistic girls can get the support and advice they need to be themselves, be happy, and thrive from an early age.